Trying to Break the Internet
Herbert Krump’s first story features cats, dogs, Disney and other popular search engine keywords.
My name is Herbert Krump, spelled… oh, you know now. This is my first attempt at making a story that will go ‘virus’ (this is what they say a popular story is when a lot of people have it). So, please be kind. Help me and my dog. People like dogs, right? (Perhaps I should have gone with a cat). I saw that movie Cats and Dogs and I didn’t realise before then that cats were the bad guys. Anyway, I’m hoping dogs are still a popular subject for being the hero of a story.
In any case, I have now said ‘cats’ in this article, so Gopher, the search engine, is sure to have picked up on that, and will redirect people here who were looking for ‘cat food’, ‘cat treats’ and ‘catastrophes’.
I don’t feel guilty
Do I feel guilty about people coming across my article while looking for something else? No. No, I don’t. because this story is definitely going to be heartwarming. And is guaranteed to go ‘virus’. You’ll be pleased you were one of the first to read it. You’ll be able to tell your friends at parties that you were here first. Possibly even the very person who made it go ‘virus’. Like, the one who clicked a like, or heart, or clap, or whatever, and is the one who sent Gopher crazy.
Wait… ‘Gopher’? I mean Google. I hate autocorrect! Having a ‘virus’ on your hands seriously depends on having the right keywords. Autocorrect hates me. And I know it’s going to confuse Gopher by inserting the wrong words after I have typed them and moved on.
Cat.
I left the word some space, so that Gopher has an easy job of finding it. What else do people like? What do they search for on Gopher, anyway? And also, do you think it matters how many times you say the word?
How algae rhythms work
I’ve read some articles that talk about algae rhythms deciding what is popular and goes ‘virus’ on Gopher. I don’t know how that works. So I’ll not worry about that. I just need to write something that people want to ‘heart’. Or like. Or clap.
So, I have this story. It’s about me and my DOG. It’s not made up. This is a not-fiction story, about my DOG chasing my neighbour’s CAT. I don’t know what the CAT did (I’m going to stop writing my keywords in capitals now, because I don’t think my friend Terry was right about it making a difference. Time is money, and my shift key has a dried noodle underneath it. I have to press it really hard for a few seconds for it to work. So, more effort than it’s worth, I think).
I know Gopher is smart, which is why it runs everything now. It doesn’t need capitals.
So, the cat ran after my dog. I mean, my dog ran after the cat.
(Oh, in case you’re wondering, I don’t have a delete key anymore, either. It flew out the window when I popped it off with a nail file to get a noodle out from underneath it. So I pretty much have to live with what I type unless I want to exit the file without saving it. But who has the time for starting over, right?
I only spilled noodles once
Oh, I should mention about noodles that I don’t often spill them over my keyboard. It was only one pot and just one time, but a lot of keys died that day. I hadn’t even poured the boiling water in yet, so they were like, really hard, you know? So, to recap, I’ve no delete key and if you remember that fact I won’t ever have to explain it again and my next articles will be shorter. Just remember to check back here if you forget.
Life doesn’t have a delete key, right? So maybe that’s why I can’t undo my mistakes. Even if I apologise and mean it.
So, the dog was chasing the cat all the way down the road, and this was really not convenient because my dog is a guide dog for the blind.
No, that doesn’t work. That’s a lie. I am not blind. But I was going for a sympathetic human interest story, as they sometimes go ‘virus’. But in fact, it made me laugh to think of a highly trained guide dog being so selfish every time it saw a cat, and humour’s not my bag at all. If you laughed though, remember to tell the joke to your friends so they come here and read it again.
So, the cat was yelling back at the dog, mocking him about him being heavy and slow, and how she herself was nimble.
Yes, the animals will speak in this story because Disney is very popular and I’m sure everything they make goes ‘virus’. I hope Disney doesn’t sue me, though. I’m not sure if talking animals is copyrighted. If that is true my friend Terry has a cat that sounds like it’s saying ‘muesli’ every time it miaows, so that could be a concern for Terry.
Perhaps I shouldn’t have even mentioned it, in case Disney read this. I should be clear — in case Terry ends up in copyright court — that his cat was born this way. Terry did not teach him to say muesli. So, I think it’s outside of copyright, as an act of God.
The cat and dog story
Anyway, back to my story. The dog and the cat had been running for a long time now, and Dog was making good progress. I was following it on the news. I am not that fast a runner, so this is why I know how well dog was doing. This would be a very short story if it depended on me being able to keep up.
Anyway, so Cat was tiring, and was a bit fed up with running. She had thought about stopping a couple of times and just talking it over with Dog. But she doubted Dog could put the brakes on hard enough, and might end up making cat souffle out of her.
So, Cat slowed gradually, which made Dog think he was running at a super speed, keeping up with Cat and all. So, eventually, they were moving at a crawl, and Cat was starting to feel embarrassed Dog hadn’t really noticed. How dumb is this dog, Cat thought?
Eventually, Cat slowed to a complete stop. And licked her paw for a bit in that ‘I really don’t care about anything’ nonchalant way cats have, and waited for Dog to catch up. When he did, panting really heavily, Cat pretended to collapse so the running didn’t have to begin again.
Dog didn’t know what to do next. I don’t blame him. I don’t know cat CPR either. So, he prodded and poked cat with his paw for a bit, and Cat stuck her tongue out, for good measure, just to go with a full on death-mask sort of look.
Trouble with that is, my dog is a patient fellow. And when he’s confused, he tends to just sit there, staring at the wall. Only this time, he was staring at Cat.
Cat’s tongue was getting a little dry at this point. When a bug landed on it, that was the last straw. She got up and retched. And Dog was so happy that Cat was alive. He just licked her all over.
It was a small price to pay to be rid of him, Cat thought.
“Listen, you seem like a decent kind’ve dog,” Cat said. “Why don’t you come over some time, and we’ll play poker.” Cat had seen pictures of dogs playing poker and knew how much they liked to do that.
“Ok, when?” Dog said, even though he didn’t know how to play cards — I’ve never taught him.
“Next Thurblensday,” Cat said.
They shook on it, and Cat walked off. Dog came back to me.
Teaching my dog about life
Every day, my dog checks the calendar for Thurblensday, and I don’t have the heart to tell him that Cat lied.
I think I will play him the movie Cats and Dogs to introduce the concept that sometimes cats are mean to dogs. All animals are sometimes mean to other animals, but I think that’s just nature. It’s not as bad as people being mean to other people — because they should know better.
Anyway, I’m hopeful once my dog has watched the movie, he might figure the rest out for himself. I learn a lot from movies. Apart from Alien. Although that’s not completely true — I learned from that movie that I did not want to go into space.
This story is now over. I hope you enjoyed it. Copyright Herbert Krump.
